douchebaggery
by emilyforprez
Summary: there's so many things he thinks, but he knows it's because he's a douchebag.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** I watch Glee now. This automatically means I ship Puck/Quinn like a mofo. As soon as Quinn said she was preggers, I, being the genius I am who noticed Puck would go great with Quinn, said to myself, "If it's not Puck's, I will go apeshit." Then it was. Score.

You know, I think I've seen this ship before, and it was called Chair. Oh well. Puck's mind is a lot more fun to go into than Chuck's.

* * *

It's not like he hasn't done this before.

He's done this before. Many women. High school girls, college girls, even that one unfortunate run-in with a middle-schooler that he's not proud of. He's had cougars and kittens and, whatever else is out there, he's had it. So he's not like a virgin. At all.

She is. But it's kinda hot.

Okay, and so maybe he's really a douchebag. Because obviously it's unfair to her and unfair to Finn and, God, it's unfair to all of them. But he thinks it's kind of hot. Maybe he's masochistic.

He's probably just a douchebag because he really finds her appealing when she's crying. He finds her appealing when she's laughing. And smiling. And walking. And... breathing.

She's just kind of appealing like that. S'not like it's his fault, right? He's male. A football-playing, testosterone-pumping, muscular male. And teenage. He's a teenager. So he's allowed to feel attraction for the head cheerleader, even if it's his best friend's girl. Like, what's going to come out of it? He knows for a fact that every other guy in the locker room jacks off to her picture, so fuck it, he's allowed to, too.

But then, they also don't end up kissing her while she's crying and probably two drinks past tipsy. No, like every other respectful friend to the star quarterback, they remain their distance to her and jack off quietly in their rooms. Discretely. Like it's a secret, although everyone knows.

But he ends up kissing her and it's not like he planned it this way, or he actually purposefully got her drunk. Or that he gets off on the fact that she's crying. He actually finds it kind of sad, but then she's kissing him and it's no longer sad because now it's kind of good. Tastes good, feels good. It's just... good.

His head is pretty fucked up but that's okay because suddenly she's whispering, "Do you think I'm fat?" into his ear and he's kissing her neck and his hands are dragging underneath her dress. For a moment he actually pauses, stupefied.

He's kind of stupid. He thinks he is, anyway. He doesn't know what to do with a girl when she's crying and asking him sincere questions. Usually he'd reply, "No, I think you're porky, let's fuck." But he can't this time because... well, he doesn't really know why. It's kind of freaking him out.

So he says, "No, I think you're hot, let's fuck."

Not the right words to say at the moment, but they just tumble out and maybe they're the right words because she's kissing him again and unzipping her dress and - _she's never gone this far with Finn._

It's sort of liberating that he's the first person to touch her. But obviously he's been touched before. And he said he was through with high school girls. They were messy and usually gold-diggers, and really just _fucking_ annoying.

She's kind of different though. Like, she's Finn's girl. And he knows he should feel bad, but he kind of doesn't, because it's probably Finn's fault anyway that she ended up crying and kissing and touching him. So if Finn finds out, well, he'll probably just say, "Your fault." 'Cause it probably was, right? So he feels justified.

She doesn't look drunk. Kind of clear-headed.

He's probably a douchebag, because he doesn't care. So to make himself feel like he's not the worst best friend ever, he murmurs into her ear, "You're extremely beautiful." He doesn't know why he said it. Probably to make up for the fact that he's stealing her away from his best friend.

She doesn't answer and they kiss and touch and he feels kind of good about it. Kind of good about everything. Like the sun and the moon and global warming and ice and alcohol and - what's he even thinking about?

(She's not drunk, right? Is she seriously drunk? That would totally make everything that much less profound.)


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Since I've decided that Quinn/Puck is my official OTP, I will be doing this as a series of one-shots revolving around the fact that Puck is a basic douchebag with a good heart. (;

* * *

She's not exactly sure why she trusted him.

He's kind of a douchebag. Except when he's not. And there's few times when he's not, so she writes him off as an idiot who doesn't care about a thing, and she continues her relationship with Finn like nothing ever happened.

He's got a nice smile, though. She guesses it's like a consolation. His smile is pretty, his ego is unflattering, and his brain is a tiny shriveled up piece of char that doesn't function properly. Except when he's in bed. It probably kicks into overdrive when that happens - like that dead part of him bursts alive with the words _sexsexsexmorepleasemoresex._

And it's not like he's anything _close_ to innocent. And chastity is lost on him, so really, fuck that sentiment - she basically threw away her virtue to a garbage can.

Except he's kind of sweet. A little. Okay, a lot, because even though he glares at her from across the hall when she's kissing Finn, he never says a word to his best friend. He never admits that he stole her virginity and that she willingly let him. So he's sweet, and he cares, at least a little. If he didn't he'd probably waltz right up there and announce it for the whole school.

She finds herself remembering back to the night when she stares down at the pregnancy test clearly laughing at her with a pink plus sign. (She expects it to start making a, "You lose!" banner across its screen, but nothing happens.)

He was really sweet.

Kind of. Because he did say thinks like, "You're hot, let's fuck," which obviously isn't a very romantic or emotional statement, but she finds she doesn't care, because it was raw and uncut.

And the world needs to start spinning again because she's sure she's not smiling as she remembers.

Because it's true that she wanted him to drag his hands up her ass, like Finn was always afraid to do. And it was kind of liberating that he didn't jizz off immediately. Like Finn. And that he really didn't care that her eyeliner was messed up. Like Finn would. Maybe.

_Sexsexsexmorepleaseyeswantsex._

It's like, the only thing on his mind. Right? Yeah, what a douchebag. God, why did she give away her virtue to him? _Him?_ When she was like... supposed to wait. Until she and Finn were married.

She's reminded of this when he intercepts her with a cocky grin and a, "Hey, MILF."

Ugh. What an ass.

A well-shaped ass with incredibly soft hands and tender kisses. And a nice smile. With a kind-of-sorta-good heart. Maybe.

_What does MILF mean, anyway?_

_Mother... I'd..._

_Oh, fuck, Puck._


	3. Chapter 3

He's probably never seen her more beautiful than when she's covered in egg yolk and flour and smiling at him.

Just spending the slightest bits of time with her make his heart ache, and of course, it's not like she isn't _attractive._ She's obviously extremely hot, and looks like she doesn't care. Doesn't care about _anything._

He touches her stomach in that moment. Not very much, just a slight brush of his hand. He should probably be worried, right? Because she's going to bring his mohawk-headed child into the world, kicking and screaming with blood and tears and sweat. He should probably care, or something. Well he kind of does. But it's not his place to care, is it?

'Cause that would imply that he was her _boyfriend._

Maybe he could be. Maybe. If he tries. It would be nice, he thinks. He's never really had a _girlfriend_, in the sense, because most of them were either cougars or annoying sluts. And she's none of those. Well, no. Sometimes she's annoying. But it's kind of cute.

Kind of. Usually it's irritating. But maybe that's just all part of the appeal.

So he could really try to be her boyfriend. If she'd let him.

She probably wouldn't. She's got Finn, and Finn's the guy she chose to be the father. Hell, he may be the baby-daddy, but he's no father to mini-Puck.

Funny. He never thought he'd be paired in the same sentence with 'baby-daddy'.

Anyway, so she's sorta just staring at him like that. Like she doesn't care. And if he closes his eyes - just a bit - he can imagine that she stares at him like that all the time. That the single look she's giving him means something more than it does.

So he leans down to kiss her, because, hell, he hasn't kissed her in so _fucking_ long. When was the last time? A hundred years ago? Maybe only a couple months, but she had been unbuttoning his jeans and he hadn't had the time to enjoy her lips.

He leans down to kiss her.

And Finn walks in.

_Fuck you, Finn._


	4. Chapter 4

She's pretty sure she'll never trust him again. Not in a million years.

And if it means giving up her baby, if it means staying with Finn, then she'll do it. Because... well, why should she expect different? He's _Puck._ He'd never stop, would he? Even for her. Just keep going and going with the _sex_ and - he just wants _more._ More of everything, more touching, more sex, more kissing. He's a greedy motherfucker and he won't stop.

So what if the baby comes out with a fucking mohawk? Screw the baby! Mr. Schu' can enjoy the egg-head with fervency. Enjoy the baby, take the baby! Just have her! Because, what's the point? It's not Finn's. If she had it her way, it wouldn't be _his_, either.

She's probably over-reacting because, really, why should she had expected anything different? It's her own fault for trusting him. Smug bastard. Probably going over and fucking Santana like the day is long.

Well, screw him. She's just fine.

The baby kicks in her stomach, as if to protest. If she could talk, the baby would most likely call Puck an inconsiderate douchebag.

She calls him. Because she's a masochist and, honestly, it's not like she has any other options. Finn's being distant and his _I love you's_ sound weak today. So she calls him. Because she's an idiot. And he's a douchebag.

He doesn't answer. Fuck him.

So she calls him again.

_"What?"_

His answer is so abrupt and so shocking that she seriously reels a bit and jumps from the phone. And she bites her lip because she doesn't know why she called. And her number is saved so obviously he knows it's her, and he doesn't care, doesn't care that she took time out of her precious, pregnant day to call him. Fuck him. Yeah, fuck him and his sexy hair.

"If I put out for you, would you stop?" she whispers and he sighs. He sighs and she can imagine him blinking lazily at her like a fucking douchebag. God damn him. He deserves to get his insolent head chopped off.

While she's fantasizing about his head in a guillotine, he replies wearily, "Maybe." It's so evasive that she wants to kick him in his balls _right then_ because then he'd stop wanting sex all the time.

"You knocked me up and I'm the one that has to suffer." It's not a question. A statement. She wants to yell at him.

She wants to _scream_ at him.

"Babe... it's not like I _planned_ on it." He says it so tiredly that she wants to hurt him all over again. So back to the guillotine, because his head rolling with blood pooling sounds so awesome right now. Maybe there's a guillotine for one's penis.

She wonders how he can be so stupid, so she blames him for the entire thing, like she should have a long time ago. "Why didn't you use a _fucking_ condom?"

"Why didn't _you_ remind me?" he shoots back.

"I hate you," she whispers, and she doesn't know at the moment if it's true. Because it's hard to hate him when his baby is kicking her stomach. Maybe she'll hate the baby instead. But that's not fair.

He sighs. And she wants to cry.

"If it had been you being straddled by... well, _you_, you'd forget a condom, too."

And the line goes dead.

Never mind. She's pretty sure that she hates him. Kind of. Maybe.

The baby says no.


End file.
